Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

HALLOWEEN – You’re not going out dressed like THAT?

 HEY KIDS! One, two, Freddy’s coming for you! Everyone’s favourite child murderer’s trademark stripy sweater opens up to expose his “chest of souls” that displays all the innocents he’s dragged to Hell. Nifty!

 More cultured tots may prefer the Hannibal Lecter like “Psycho Kid” costume or, if your neighbours are Daily Mail readers, terrify them as satanic doll Chucky – from the Child’s Play movies – a boogeyman who was blamed for all society’s ills way back in the 90s (kind of like single mothers nowadays).

Talking of single mums.... warn young babysitters about the evils of pre-marital sex by dressing up as the puritanical, maniacal Michael Myers from Halloween and watch the teenage pregnancy rate plummet (machete extra). Three, four, sleep no more...

RRRRRRR!

OH, this is a big bag of wrong!  A scantily-dressed young woman dressed as Batman’s ward just throws up a slew of troubling psycho-sexual issues that many of us are just unwilling to confront.

Who knew Catwoman was a S&M prostitute? Apart from the fact that you’ll be freezing in this outfit, you’re also likely to attract the attention of the local constabulary - and NOT because they suspect you of burglary. The whip isn’t included, sadly, but if you’re seriously considering wearing this, you’ve probably got one already. The Supergirl outfit is certainly fetching but any man wanting to dress up as the Man of Steel for some fantasy role-playing with his significant other should remember that she’s Superman’s cousin for Christ’s sakes...

Even Neil Jordan’s Freudian fairy-tale The Company of Wolves didn’t have anything as suggestive as this Red Riding Hood get up: “My, what big eyes you have?” - Are you at all surprised?

Bijou Boutique’s take on a “schoolgirl” outfit is utterly mystifying to anyone who’s ever been to school – or met a girl. The symbolism of the Apple handbag is not lost on us, however.

IT’S ALIVE! Actually this remarkable mutant baby puppet isn’t inappropriate at all – unless you’re visiting an expectant mother - it’s awesome. An uncannily accurate replica of the monster from Larry Cohen’s 1974 B-movie masterpiece, It’s Alive. £34.99 and it’s yours from escapade.co.uk. Apparently “the baby is realistic to look at and touch”. Ewwww!

Don’t Forget Rover!

AWWW! Kids love dressing up, dogs don’t, but that won’t deter any child from distressing their pup by wrestling with it for an hour or two until it looks sufficiently like Batdog (not a real character by the way).

This Headless Horseman accessory looks much more manageable (only $19.99 plus shipping from halloweenmart.com!) but could merely end up as a pricey chew-toy before its remnants are deposited on the pavement as part of a large “dog egg” the very next day. The magnificent, (obviously) homemade starship Enterprise is offered here as something for hobbyists to aspire to but don’t blame us if your best friend never, ever forgives you.

WRONG WRONG WRONG!

SO Farewell then King of Pop – if you are, in fact, dead and not just avoiding your creditors. Pay homage to Wacko in this taste-free 80s nightmare but don’t blame us if you end up on some kind of register.

And, lest we forget Prince Harry’s “youthful indiscretion” (it says here) - it’s never a good idea to dress up as a Nazi, particularly when your family is of German origin.

(All costumes (apart from the Nazi one, natch) from lets-have-a-party.co.uk, escapade.co.uk and halloweenmart.com)